love+evil

why a new blog again? do i somehow believe that it signifies a new start, a new consciousness that has risen from the past few months of pain from relationship heartbreak, from a distancing adolescence? have i arrived at a new place in my life, as a new self?
maybe its just about time to break away.

i recently turned 21. in a sneer, i had remarked to a colleague that it meant i had literally crossed the official line that marked the end of puberty. besides the physical deterioration/and or maturation (depending on the level of cynicism you have acquired thus far), age is an invisible construct that pushed and assigned social tasks and responsibilities that begin to define a person's identity and sense of being - the yardstick that measures one's worthiness.

ever since the love of my life told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, that he wasn't willing to give up the blanket of comfort of immaturity, a child's self-assurance and independence, I've been evaluating what age and its relationship to responsibility meant to me. i wanted him to become a "man", to rise up to the occasion of me, a person who wants to establish a "real" relationship with him. "Real" being "grown" - "grown" being conforming to a kind of mold that would cement the existence of US as we age and step into the supposedly subsequent stage of our life : adulthood.

but who tells us when we are ready, or responsible? timing plays such a crucial role in our lives, our subjectivities - that in turn alter the roles we play in others' lives. is he ready now? i think i am now, but will i be later? will we find a middle ground? will i ever reach him?

i measure my worthiness in terms of "success" - the mainstream criteria comprising confidence, material value and qualified and proven intelligence. at 21, the responsibilities i feel obliged to humor and fulfill as a student, a daughter, a young woman, an employee, etc. are expanding, changing, while simultaneously morphing all desires, needs and moral, ethical frameworks and so on that i possess.

one can argue that the pressure i feel is self inflicted, that it is my own fault that i internalised all these demanding modern myths that dictate what "sucesss" is and why is should be tied into my self-worthiness. but that would be another matter to be discussed another day. i do not know what to do with my life. options are vast, but i feel lost, disoriented, not knowing where to look, and what to look for. confusion and stress dominates my life. Is this what age means to me?