love+evil

my favorite author Jeffery eugenides said " it is perhaps only in reading a love story (or writing one) that we can simultaneously partake in the ecstasy and agony of being in love without paying a crippling emotional price". but i wonder: how can one write a convincing love story or truly be convinced of a love story if you haven't already paid the emotionally crippling price?

Anyways, his arresting collection of tragedies, from Faulkner, Chekhov, to Munro and Chang had somehow stirred in me a desire to write a short little story of my own. Its been literally years since i sat down with an idea, and attempted to translate it coherentlywith my meager vocabulary. Its been a strange couple of years. It seems like i felt so much, but did so little, almost as if i had been trapped in a vacuum, with no way to reach out of myself to bring about a tangible change. too many things seem pointless, a waste of time. these days my capacity to reason has turned everything unjustifiable, not worth the effort, and insignificant. not too sure if thats a good thing.

i haven't found a kind of vocation that would move me. Love is a full time job, but it wouldn't buy me the Hermes bags i hope to accessorize different outfits with. besides, i know i am alone in this. only an oddly materialistic romantic such as myself would even consider such a whimsical and petty notion. unless of course, i find a vocation i love.

sometimes i think i am just buying time, pretending maturity and responsibilities aren't suffocating me with their talons. by sitting decision-making out, i give myself room to come to the terms that there are things i should be doing, achievements to make, history to write, and rewrite. in addition to being completely horrified with the idea that i might have to give many things up, i worry that i lack the courage and skills to dive face first into adulthood, and pick up the things due to move forward - school? or no school? work? what work? where? how much will i be worth? what is it i am good at? what do i love doing? what COULD i be doing? what should i be doing? who is gonna be there?